Well, well, well. Another golf course has checked out. Dauphin Highlands, a place that’s seen more mulligans than actual birdies since the mid-90s, is officially kaput. Turns out, it wasn’t exactly swimming in cash. Shocking, I know. Now, it’s getting a digital makeover, morphing into a data center. Because, obviously, the world was desperately short on places for computers to do their incessant humming and hoard terabytes of… well, stuff we’ll probably never look at.
Naturally, people are in a tizzy. Especially the folks who actually paid money to whack balls there. They threw a “part celebration, part funeral” shindig on its final day. Over 300 golfers showed up for one last, presumably pathetic, round. Some were even weeping. It’s a golf course, people, not your prize-winning poodle.
There’s this chap, Tim Birney, who’s been grinding away on that turf for three decades. He recalls opening day, saying it looked like it had been there forever. Bless his heart, Tim, in golf course years, “forever” apparently clocks in at around 28. He’s now the director of instruction, which I can only assume means he’s perfected the art of teaching people how to consistently find the woods.
The property’s fetching a cool $45 million from some Texas outfit that plans to erect a colossal data center. The county’s touting “community benefits,” which I’m sure makes up for the loss of a perfectly good Saturday morning distraction. They mentioned the course was drowning in $13 million of debt. Maybe they should have upped the green fees, Tim. Or perhaps charged Tim for all those woods-bound shots.
On the final day, some golfers, desperate for a memento, apparently resorted to pilfering the flags from the flagsticks. Seriously. The pro shop was stripped bare, leaving only a couple of lonely gloves languishing under a sad “Buy 1 Get 1” sign. Some habits, like pretending you can actually hit a driver straight, die harder than others, I suppose.
They’ve already started the exploratory drilling for this digital monstrosity. But don’t fret, the deer and wild turkeys are apparently still hanging around, for now. Birney’s wondering if these newfangled “AI kids” will bother feeding them. My money’s on no. They’ll probably just reroute their algorithms to avoid them. Progress, eh? Anyway, if you’ve got data that needs a cozy, hum-filled home, this is your spot.